i was reading past journal entries today and stumbled upon some good stuff.
…
i feel like there are some things that i need help being remind of – in regards to her.
like how it is beyond me to try to resolve her scarring of abandonment, and that i don't need to please her and give her what she wants to not upset / anger / hurt her.
that actually might feed her more power to manipulate my emotions.
she uses guilt as a weapon.
it is okay to be cautious around her.
it is okay to upset her expectations and be honest with what i want, because this really is not about her, even if she is taking it so personally. (it's really not about you.)
she needs to work on her baggage, and that stuff is beyond me.
(NOT my responsibility to make you not insecure.)
…
so i got injured again.
he got mad at me a few days ago.
his eyes were red with anger, his voice was sharp as knives, his heart fuming on his sleeve.
what??
one of the few times that i see him care about anything –
and it's anger,
and it's because of his microwave.
he comes back into the room later,
and starts small-talking with me –
as if talking is something he normally does with me –
attempting to diffuse the situation.
as if the status quo is that we're friends or something.
"i'm not mad anymore"
– he told me, with everything he didn't say.
"its too late."
– i responded in kind.
bro, fuck your microwave.
doesn't matter anymore. damage is done.
i didn't sleep well that night.
i usually take my guard down when i get home. but maybe, now i can't.
time to invest me a good emotional bodyguard. no. personal defense weapons.
i need to build my own arsenal and learn to fight back. fend for myself.
the case for moving out is closed.
…
Sunday, August 11, 2019
Thursday, August 1, 2019
lonesome birthday
i'm turning 24 tomorrow.
i was so excited to get that japanese chef knife, that fellow ekg matte white kettle,
- so excited to buy my own birthday gift this year.
mom calls me a few days later and asks, "so what do you want for your birthday?"
oh yeah, thanks mom. i send her the chef knife amazon link.
then today, i finally decide to go to the fellow store and drop 150 on the kettle, until i get messages from my coworkers that they want me to come over. just for a little bit.
and i'm like nah this is my day off i'm not even supposed to be texting you i'm spending the day by my lonesome.
i knew they had dropped hella hints earlier but i just doubted that they would do such a thing for me. we're just coworkers right? fellow kettles are expensive.
so i go back and forth and decide to cross the bridge anyways, like so long mofos its my day off, yall can cash me at fellow sf 820 Valencia St, San Francisco, CA 94110.
so i'm like driving on the bridge and texting them "oops i'm already in the city sorry" acting dumb and they get all frustrated, thinking the surprise is ruined blablabla.
then i get all insecure and hard on myself, like why do you make it soo difficult on other people to be friends with you? why can't you just let them buy the kettle?
why can't you just let them in????
and now i feel guilty. like i burned down the bay bridge.
"Just Don't Buy Anything Okay", my coworker texts me.
"Oh. Okay."
yeah they got the kettle.
who woulda thought that birthdays could be like this. why must i must ponder loneliness on my birthday.
i guess i had gotten so used to living life on my lonesome that i wasn't expecting anything from anyone. just so ready to buy myself my own birthday gift. blowing candles by my lonesome.
time to make friends.
…
i was so excited to get that japanese chef knife, that fellow ekg matte white kettle,
- so excited to buy my own birthday gift this year.
mom calls me a few days later and asks, "so what do you want for your birthday?"
oh yeah, thanks mom. i send her the chef knife amazon link.
then today, i finally decide to go to the fellow store and drop 150 on the kettle, until i get messages from my coworkers that they want me to come over. just for a little bit.
and i'm like nah this is my day off i'm not even supposed to be texting you i'm spending the day by my lonesome.
i knew they had dropped hella hints earlier but i just doubted that they would do such a thing for me. we're just coworkers right? fellow kettles are expensive.
so i go back and forth and decide to cross the bridge anyways, like so long mofos its my day off, yall can cash me at fellow sf 820 Valencia St, San Francisco, CA 94110.
so i'm like driving on the bridge and texting them "oops i'm already in the city sorry" acting dumb and they get all frustrated, thinking the surprise is ruined blablabla.
then i get all insecure and hard on myself, like why do you make it soo difficult on other people to be friends with you? why can't you just let them buy the kettle?
why can't you just let them in????
and now i feel guilty. like i burned down the bay bridge.
"Just Don't Buy Anything Okay", my coworker texts me.
"Oh. Okay."
yeah they got the kettle.
who woulda thought that birthdays could be like this. why must i must ponder loneliness on my birthday.
i guess i had gotten so used to living life on my lonesome that i wasn't expecting anything from anyone. just so ready to buy myself my own birthday gift. blowing candles by my lonesome.
time to make friends.
…
lonesome
funny how after you say to yourself,
"i have no friends",
4-5 friends visit you at work within the next week.
okay maybe i have friends(?). but we're not close anyways. just coming to visit, then dropping out of my life again.
okay bye.
yeah i know some people.
but are they friends? do they know me?
it was nice to have them visit me but in the grand scope of things, they seem so fleeting and short-lived. reunion with a friend i was once only casual and awkward at best with.
which is okay.
it's not superficial, but just short-lived. one-time feeling.
and then they go home, wherever they come from.
after all that, after summer break ends, who is left for me? who is actually in my life, here, and for the long run?
people may have heard of me, caught faint glimpses. people know that name.
victoria even says they like me.
but who knows me?
who is my friend?
…
"i have no friends",
4-5 friends visit you at work within the next week.
okay maybe i have friends(?). but we're not close anyways. just coming to visit, then dropping out of my life again.
okay bye.
yeah i know some people.
but are they friends? do they know me?
it was nice to have them visit me but in the grand scope of things, they seem so fleeting and short-lived. reunion with a friend i was once only casual and awkward at best with.
which is okay.
it's not superficial, but just short-lived. one-time feeling.
and then they go home, wherever they come from.
after all that, after summer break ends, who is left for me? who is actually in my life, here, and for the long run?
people may have heard of me, caught faint glimpses. people know that name.
victoria even says they like me.
but who knows me?
who is my friend?
…
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