it's a trap

i was reading past journal entries today and stumbled upon some good stuff.

…

i feel like there are some things that i need help being remind of – in regards to her.

like how it is beyond me to try to resolve her scarring of abandonment, and that i don't need to please her and give her what she wants to not upset / anger / hurt her.

that actually might feed her more power to manipulate my emotions.

she uses guilt as a weapon.

it is okay to be cautious around her.

it is okay to upset her expectations and be honest with what i want, because this really is not about her, even if she is taking it so personally. (it's really not about you.)

she needs to work on her baggage, and that stuff is beyond me.

(NOT my responsibility to make you not insecure.)

…

so i got injured again.

he got mad at me a few days ago.

his eyes were red with anger, his voice was sharp as knives, his heart fuming on his sleeve. 

what??

one of the few times that i see him care about anything –
and it's anger,
and it's because of his microwave.

he comes back into the room later,
and starts small-talking with me –
as if talking is something he normally does with me –
attempting to diffuse the situation.

as if the status quo is that we're friends or something.

"i'm not mad anymore"
– he told me, with everything he didn't say.

"its too late."
– i responded in kind.

bro, fuck your microwave.

doesn't matter anymore. damage is done.

i didn't sleep well that night.

i usually take my guard down when i get home. but maybe, now i can't.

time to invest me a good emotional bodyguard. no. personal defense weapons. 

i need to build my own arsenal and learn to fight back. fend for myself.

the case for moving out is closed.

…