fuck money

just posted my first thing and wow, it's so satisfying to just throw shit out there without looking back. no edits, proofreads, and anything. even in hs, i spent hours editing my trash blog posts lol.

i guess no one's looking anyways.

well i realized how much more i have to say whilst writing post_000001 so here i am again (i guess this is how these things work).

tbh i dunno if im supposed to be an artist anymore, because life (wupwup). there was once a time when i could do life and still create content, cultivate my creator self, blablabla but i realzie that there's this version of life called "student life" and how far apart it is from "real life".

when i'm not working, i just want to melt and anime because work is life and if i don't, i'll be broke and back to parent's home, and gg.

okay that's not entirely true, but there are a lot of other things that take the place of creating and writing stories. ie, laundry and people i care about.

then at that point, i'm done.

i work so hard just to barely afford my current apt and if i slack, i'll be not eating meals for a bit. so i feel like i need to conserve the little energy i have left from work to spend it on the most important things, ie. people and laundry. 

maybe if i was a loner, i'd have time for art.

well i was sort of a loner in high school. hm.

the point is, i don't get how working young adults are supposed to make a living and do art at the same time. how do you afford to be an artist? 

i guess some people just make hella bank but even if they do, they work 40+ hour weeks and they dont have time or energy for art. and if they do..  i don't know anyone who does. hm.

it doesn't help that i work as a barista, making minimum wage. 

i'm starting to be okay with not making a career out of my art, but can i just do it for funs? because i care about it? because it's a part of who i am?

it seems i just have to suppress that part of myself for a while. i guess i can't afford to be myself.

wup wup.